new

tcafe

you'd always been an
open book with
endless chapters
( of some sort );
yellow-stained pages smelling heavily
of Camel Lights and coffee grinds;
the war used to be a
lifelong- fascination,
a box with tightly held secrets
that were undisposed;

( at night I would wonder where you kept
all your dust-covered fears )


your jokes now,
too bland, too
trivial,
too scattered --
I wait in my hopes that
it's not just the years,
falling by and counting up;
your quiet moments are filled with
smoke, and small, unprepared meals --

( i am sorry, for not having been enough )

Fall 2009

lilies of the subway

you lit your cigarette
and slowly strum back tar-
( i drape a careless arm over his back. )
you leaned against the cold and lingered,
and i
swayed back and forth in his grasp,
circling round the living room like
ballerinas on wooden music boxes

there you were in a crowd,

your body hungry,
your eyes of slate--
-- i brush a hair back and listen to the wind outside
where Ella does not hear and Coltrane cannot touch
the places we have been, and the lives we cannot have -
the distance that shrouds fragile memories,
sparkling, fading,
like ashes on your winter coat
and the kisses i left on your shoe

his hands steady me tight,
and the fire light crackles a slow, soft moan.
i caress his cheek, and
miss your smile,
( the way you easily erased scars and
inhabited its space )

we often search
but rarely find,

and what we find,
we often lose.





distance

there were nights when
the traces of your last cigarette
dissipated into the
drunken air,
where the buildings were alive with lights,
that scattered its weight from Seventh street to
Main,

the crowd sways,
and you shift breath,
your body softly calling out to
my vacant hands,


but i stay where i am,
and converse with my feet;
your nicotine hit preoccupied you
just fine.

and i would miss you,
i would miss you

so
much.





arm's length

you are a bullet
and i have bitten the gun,
if it should
rock, steady,

( i will wait - )

but if you truly believe
that we could live this way,
with the curtains open, and
all the doors shut,

then i won't,
then i won't.

September

take care of this moment >>
<< love every new beginning

a joke

there are these
(small)
moments
when she laughs

unaware,
unrestrained,

like a thousand
crimson flowers
staining the air where she sits,
blooming in the brightest corner
of a forgotten shop
in Landen Square.

and in these moments,
when the rain collides with ground,
and stuns the dust,
it's enough to forget
the small miseries that
colors our lives.

the progression of things so carefully planned;

I

if these feelings knew
the secrecy of paper,
and the
brevity of ink,
if they only wanted
the liberation of
vacant air,
then i would have no need
for companions,
or a heart that
beats too much;


II

i do not wish for things
to further entangle themselves,
in feelings and
mishaps-

i do not wish for
unexpected, yet
normal
complications.

i want the night
to always settle and
turn,
the way it has been
when my headlights reverse,
i want the expectations to
mold itself into a
very simple kiss-
without selfishness nor
posession:

i want these things to
stay the way
theyhavebeen
without the fears of losing
an unbeknownst trust.

i do not wish
for something bigger than
we both share.


III

stay as you are;
without feelings,
[ that delve into the
core of me ]
or
disappointment.

stay curious,
flesh and
strange,
new eyes that
seek confirmation
yet
averts with the light-

stay as you came,
charming,
unaware and
harmless-
where your questions cannot
bruise,
and you have not
the need to
persuade...

even if

" They say if you love something, you've got to let it go.
And if it comes back, then it means so much more.
But if it never does, at least you will know,
That it was something you had to go through to grow. "

irreconcilable differences

i would like you
to live
firstly,
a life without candor,
passion,
faith-
the things that
lend itself to the human condition,
proudly,
boastfully-

so that you may understand
loss--


-- i would like you to understand
loss


in the strictest sense-
its most wildest clarity-
it is
the things that are taken away
when the heart is
fragile and
useless-

i would like you to
know these things,
to be the catch and
the cruch-
to listen and
implore,
so that you may

yearn for more,
fight with less,
and carry your intentions
as a torch,
and not as wine -
even if you fall,
that you will fall on your
humility, and not
your regrets.

i would like you to
live with all things,
having searched,
knowing the graces of
how they have been taken
for granted,

these are the things
i will always
wish for you.

too much rain

Chris Botti ft. Jonatha Brooke - Forgiven

Every night
All the years are passing through me
Was I wrong?
'Cause,
When you find out
Love is blind, then it's too late
You can't do anything

These are the chances we take
Reasons that we can't explain
Follow your heart everyday
Pray it'll be forgiven

Don't let go
Until all your days are broken
We were one
Now I'm standing
In the rain and you were gone
I gave up everything

These are the chances we take
Reasons that we can't explain
Follow your heart everyday
Pray it'll be forgiven

I wanna talk to you
What can I say to you?

the phone rings and rings....

The Road Beckons

i have been dreaming
again,
the road calls to me
as i sleep-
the land that leads
eastbound,
and west;
the exits gleaming,
the guard rails whistle
softly-
so soft.

and in the distance,
some mist covers the city,
its buildings heavy with sweat,
blushing with spinning doors and
vacant lots.

i'd like to
go there one day,
to the noisy elevators and
foreign sidewalks,
to the stagnant beat of
restless shoes,
to find my life
once again,
among strange dandelions and
promises.

--------------------------------------

Nothing Left to Lose

we
separate these things,
not to
pass judgement,
nor to
impede truth-

but we keep apart now,
to build lives
back together,

to sustain
self-
dignity, and
worth.

---------------------------------

Mission

i set out to
bury the things that
taunt and
wound,
the things that
render our human condition
too fragile to understand,
too dumb to believe -

it is not the heart that holds on,
but rather,
the tongue that lies,
the mouth that smiles,
the lips that seek
dowry for its loss.

i have lost.
(this,
and so much
more)

----------------------------

Sugar Run

i remember
a rum-shot
sorbet sky,
new albany glistened with
the newness of
wants;

the winds that moved east
waltzed through your
white blinds,
leather living room that
sang of
summer and love;

and we would
fall onto
cotton blue sheets,
and slept to rain,
falling from your ceiling fan
and hear the
moon rise;

and in the morning
when the heat bleached
your sunroof warm,
and i
drove 71 south home,
my eyes would be stained with
adoration and
the way you moved
in the dark-

how you took, and
never returned,
til
winter days came-
and my heart
cried bloodshot.

how you took,
under rose-red skies.

how you had
taken
all of my laughter,
leaving all of
my love.

insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It’s a crime to fall in love again?
(( Jann Arden ))

LE FOU III

i didn't expect
rings and
pretty things,
gas money or
expensive dates.

i still don't need
the guilt,
religion by association,
or songs from your
5-year romance
that
you could not quit.

i just wanted love
and
laughter,
and days that lived in your
eyes,
like birds with no homes,
and summer storms with
no catch.

i never wanted to
ignore the warning signs.

----------------------------------------------------

All Those Who Wander

i don't want your
apologies-

i don't want your
past-

i don't care about your
weaknesses,
or the things that
catch your eye.

i don't need the
unexpected chivalry,
i will remain pleasantly
unsurprised.

what you're afraid of
is the very thing that
keeps the soul,
and spins the earth-
the unknown which
permeates from
skin-to-skin,
and if we all knew the answer,
we'd be a little
better off.

escapist

Stalemate

she says she feels too much;
i say, i don't feel a thing.
she says she must mean too much;
and i don't say a thing.
sometimes, i feel so much
but don't say a thing.

4.27.2005
----------------------

A Million Lights

noises

(fell on me)
like a million twinkling lights,
floating on a river,
dense with candles and laughter,

(( you pulled me closer ))

the stars burned high above a city,
delirious with incense and smoke,
you held onto me
tighter
as we walked through throngs of
busy people,
their lives so careful and attached;
the streets were wet with the smell of rain,
promises like a kiss,
and towering over our shadows
stood buildings,
still and drowsy with sleep.

1.10.2007

--------------------------------------

Summer Calling

your smell
stains;
the shape of your shoulders,
smooth crevice where
i'd rest my head,
bury myself,
curl to fit into the mold of you,
kiss and tenderly

those early mornings
those summer nights

now i hear you,
i reach out and
i reach -

now i see you,
how i ache inside
but -

pull back
pull back.

7 / 2007

-------------------------------

Knight
i don't want you to listen anymore
because frankly,
i'm tired of opening my mouth -
(you won't have to do much,
just stay by my side )

love me as though i am weak
and need you for my own betterment in life -
wrap your arms around me
even though you want to ask
if this meant some sort of movie was unraveling
and you had no say in the plot -

no,
it's not like that.

sometimes i just want to be held -
without commitment,
without chivalry.
just you as yourself

nothing else.

11.19.2007

if the smile's not meant to be...

"I do not care what car you drive. Where you live. If you know someone who knows someone who knows someone. If your clothes are this year’s cutting edge. If your trust fund is unlimited. If you are A-list B-list or never heard of you list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They are the only thing you truly own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with the places you have been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind."

( Andre Jordan )

"What did my hands do before they held you?"

Sylvia Plath

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so you apologize for truth."
[ Benjamin Disraeli ]

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."

(Jeremiah 29:11-14a)

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

               Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

               Or bends with the remover to remove.

-- Shakespeare -- 

I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & that the Eskimos has a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me when you sleep & there are no words for that...

Brian Andreas

Don’t rely on beauty;

remember that happiness depends on things that can be destroyed at a touch.

(( D. Choprah ))

spin

doormat

i am,
no longer the same person
-- girlfriend, lover, past
(you never trusted anyway) --
mouthes that once gave such

sweet,
sweet words -
now cuts the darkness
and fumbles the lung for breath -
sharp tongues that hides
such
inevitability.

( did i hurt you too much?
or did the man in you prefer another way in? )

i am
not anymore
that girl -
that girl you
had dispose of,
that
ragdoll to
wipe your eyelids dry,
to serve you and
to never be enough.

--------------------

Biggest Loss

breath in,
breathe out;
house still,
lights out-
you left
but your smell
sleeps here.
lingers where
open doors,
( i step through
but no you. )

------------

maybe,
maybe i-
maybe it was me.
somehow
you woke up and
realized
this wasn't it.

not your dreams,
60 years-
40 of it you
would've gladly thrown away.
who are you?
and why do i
see you when i
see myself
so
much?

--------------------------

wake up.
remember
little things.
shower,
make up.
one smile for
no one but
myself.

air is humid.
breakfast,
choke down memories,
swallow the past.
hear your noises,
tip toe down stairs,
you're here but
barely there.
you don't look at me and
i don't look back.

start the car,
change my name.
slam the door,
so much blame.
nothing to say,
day in
days out.
you don't ask and
i don't tell.
if you do, i am well.

11.19.2007

-----------------------------------------

Han

so you drove to cincinnati to be nearer to God,
and i was replaced without knowing it
just the way i've always
feared

------------------------------

selfish

GIVE?
and you saythat i did not give?

so you gave out,
but i gave in-
gave myself thin
everytime you came back.
and what did you give?
dinners, dates,
flattery,sin-
if giving is not giving in
then maybe i should have
given up.

we lead trophy lives

i
once thought i was in
lo-
ve.

now i think,
it was just merely the
list of things i grew to expect
(!)
out of the man and
his pride,

for his car to be clean,
for his mother to be sweet,
for his sheets to be new,
for his bills to be vast,
and his past to be cruel.

i have forgotten,
the passion of
lust,
the secrecy of
frivolous things,
like adoration,
candor,
glances lost between
the fall.

i have been disappointed.

again, and
again.

in spite of the obvious

there are nights that
came with such intense
voracity,
like the
hunger
of a starving artist
whose muse had left him
to cry -

so
these nights i
turn the lights out and
lay my head down,
to miss you in a ball of
deafening loneliness -

it is
a song i cannot bear to
play again and
again
for the loss is
so foreign
and
so great.

i feel it

we drive these beat up engines,
across snow and rainy pavements,
we watch the clock and
fill up the tanks -
give thanks to the One who
blessed the day and
the open road.

If it was twice as easy with
half the aches,
would you still be so
eager to leave?
or would you trust your heart -
just a little more?

I spend these nights missing you
so
much -
i satiate with
the comfort of
memories,
i long to hold you
the way we held on for
so long and
so loose.

so close but
always something in the way.
we can't quit now -
we are on the verge of
something
so
good.

NHA TRANG I

EVENING NEWS

11 pm
cheap hotel soap
Japanese music on the TV screen-
it doesn't matter;
i don't understand what they're saying-
but i know.
all the guitars tell the same stories-
all white bedsheets hide the same stains.
i hear that New Orleans is sinking
in a sea of sorrow and salt
but the news was in French.
ou es-tu, mon chere?
winds from the oceans have
brought me wanderlust,
but this ocean is new-
it's still a couple oceans apart from
you.
ou es,
ou es-tu?

11 pm
Nha Trang

------------------------------------------

SOUL SEARCHING II

one hotel room
across the pacific
tell me what you are
searching for
and i'll tell you
what i have found

Nha Trang
9/1/06

Saigon II

A NIGHT IN SAIGON

the winds have
returned;
i have never known
a cooler night in Saigon-
such as this.

------------------------

ROOF TOP

are you on your rooftop
missing me?
cuz i'm on my rooftop
missing you

Saigon
8/27/06
7 pm

Saigon I

RECOGNITION

i know you;
i miss you
all the time
in my heart

i saved a space for you
under my skin
crawl back in here
when the sun is too bright
and when they say
too many things
you do not wish to understand
or bear to part with.

come back in here
when you are ready
to sleep as i sleep;

to dream as i do dream

Saigon
8/30/05

and you say sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you

i watch you
reach
from where you lay,
motionless over a pile of
trust i had
entrusted in you.

i hear something like an
APOLOGY,
but my heart begins to close.

those things are meaningless.
you are constantly sorry.

when i leave

i wake these days
to the sound of frost;
your smile gazes at me from picture frames,
pure and still.
outside the sun climbs the sky
and woos the east,
her blushing countenance watches traffic
head south on 270.

i know not the answer to life,
liberty,nor
love;

i only react to the world which was
given me.
your whispers dissipating in the night,
sharp laughter that calls to me
from behind.
Where we are and
Where We Must Go
still treads outside these highways,
leading east and west.
i know not if the roads will
circle back,
or break away.

i only know
the speed of your groans and sighs,
the void inside between
all these exits.

i wake to frost and
sleep to wind;
your voice curls up inside my pillowcase and
scratches softly at the window panes,
slowly stretching the night.

destiny

Zero 7 - Destiny

i
wake early to
catch the sunrise;
sip my coffee and
in between each swallow of
bittersweet rush,
traces of you stir from under the covers,
rise to kiss me and
retreat back to bed.

i cannot seem to remember life
before you came around;

those summer mornings
and winter twilights
that have marked routine to my
routines,
expectations to my
unexpected.

some days i miss you with an intense
voracity that
only the unknown could have
satiated -
other days i
take my coffee and
sleep past the sunrise.

other days i
dream of something else -
another world-
another life -
something only past slumber could
explain and replace.

losing heart

The Fray - You Found Me




my words found me
unraveling on the floor,
taking slow breaths to recover
what i had lost in the storm and highways
between all this distance;

my words only know so much defeat,
intents and purposes
scattered between all the miles -

your words jeered and haunt my dreams -

i don't know where to turn now
amidst this confusion and
winter of uncertainty and tests.

she who loses heart,
loses faith;
who loses faith,
loses all.

last play

because 2 out of 3
and so much history;

tonight i pray for a miracle.